Love is watching someone die.

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 04:24:09 GMT

I am forgotten.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:59:43 GMT

Today was a long day. Longest day on campus so far this year.
At dinner I told Sarah I was surprised that I was in a good mood for having so much to do.
Today I had 3 classes. In between those classes I had 2 2-hour breaks in which I worked on my conference stuff and studied for a test and ate food. I had 3 meetings. One at 1 about the conference. One at 5 about a group presentation. Another at 7:30 about the conference.
I felt fine all day, optimistic even, and very productive.
I got out of the meeting about the conference in Pittsburg around 8:30, 12 hours after I had arrived that morning. I wanted to kill people.
I think it was during that meeting where all those energy drinks I had been drinking finally gave out and I crashed.
I think it was after that meeting where I realized how much stuff I really have to do.
I know everyone has a lot to do. I know. Wah wah wah.
I'm so fucking overwhelmed.
I almost started crying like 8 times since I've left that meeting, but I haven't let myself because I need to GROW THE FUCK UP.

With 19 (plus) years of practice I can ruin things on my own.

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 19:12:49 GMT

I love you
and
I miss you
but
I can't be
'friends'
with you

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 01:42:31 GMT

We were building up to our breaking down.
Our relationship was bipolar;
two extremes that drove us to the end.

You said you had bipolar disorder.
I think you really have NPD.

Today I decided

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 05:04:27 GMT

I am willing to risk my friendship with her for him.
This is something I have been battling for a couple of weeks now.
Usually I am a strong believer in the stupid girl friend's rule of not liking ex-boyfriends, but this time I think there are enough exceptions.
I might be a shitty person for this, but I'm not the only one.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 07:07:01 GMT

This is only making me feel lonelier.

I want to be

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 21:46:58 GMT

happy for you.

But I can't

loooop-de-loop-de-loop

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:16:11 GMT

I think I've lost about all my friends.
I don't know how, or why. But I don't really see anyone. I don't really hear from anyone. No one tells me when things are, or asks me to come out at night.
I'm out of the loop.
I had a feeling this would happen.

Even better is I have to work all weekend.
6 hours saturday. 9 hours sunday.
Both at service desk.
Now I can't see Benn.

I just want to see Benn.

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 04:45:01 GMT

when will i stop feeling jealous?

Today I developed a headache in my right lateral temporal lobe.....

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 04:27:34 GMT

mania
apathy
depression
mania
apathy
mania
apathy

i've identified the symptoms.
now what is the problem?
WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?

Because Kelly Did It, And Work Is Boring

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 13:38:41 GMT

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

-Clara
-Clara
-Clava (in rare cases)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

-Shhh I am Talkin
-PureSugar21
-Stardust2126

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

-My bum
-My hair
-My weight

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

-My skin color
-My large feet
-My shoulder which wont stop hurting

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

-25% Italian
-A smiggin German
-A smiggin English

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

-Breaking down in the middle of nowhere
-Long drives alone
-Getting out of college and being screwed

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

-Scott Tweed
-Caffiene
-Cigs
(Awful AwfuL)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW:

-Brown shirt
-Brown flip flops
-Khacki Pants

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:

-Helmsley
-The Most Serene Republic
-Tegan and Sara

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (RIGHT NOW):

-(oh)God-The Most Serene Republic
-East-Nate in Public
-Man-The Bird and The Bee

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:

-Comfort and snuggling
-Passion
-Laughs

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

-I know you'll come around someday.
-My brother stole the diamond ring that Steve gave me, which I was planning on pawning before he got to it.
-I finally told my boss that I smoke.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

-Eyes
-Hair
-Clothing style

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:

-Smoking
-Listening to music
-Reading

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

-Text someone
-Leave work
-Go to fredonia

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:

-Teacher
-Make up artist
-Psychologist of some sort

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

-Amsterdam
-Paris
-Germany

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:

-Ilan
-Kenley
-Aiden

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

-Own a home. Own a car. Live comfortably.
-Leave the United States for at least a couple of months
-PhD.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:

-I usually won't leave the house without makeup
-I'm not too fond of sports
-I'm jealous

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:

-I can't even think of one :(

THREE PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ:
Brandon. Benn. Sarah.
do any of them even have LJ?

A Shower is the Perfect Test

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:32:33 GMT

Of whether I'm sick (or hungover) enough to call off work.
If I get out feeling worse than I did when I got in, it's back to bed for me.

My favorite indulgence was ruined by this bout of stomach ickyness.
RIP Taco Bell.

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:46:23 GMT

Who am I kidding?

Birthday

Sat, 31 May 2008 17:39:15 GMT

Last night was my birthday, and Benn and I were at Java's because I wanted to eat cake, naturally.
He said he wanted to give me my present and that it couldn't wait. We were supposed to go to a party which was close by, so I told him it didn't make sense to go back home and waste gas.
He said no, it couldn't wait.
So we got back to his house and he drove right by, so I asked him where the hell he was going.
A little farther down the street I saw a car parked with a SUNY Fredonia parking sticker and a bumper sticker reading "I Love My Drums".
Benn and Brandon are amazing. They somehow planned this little birthday visit without me catching on whatsoever.
Nothing in the world could have made my birthday a better one.

What's up hormones?

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 03:31:12 GMT

Today was bad bad bad
-PMS
-Day 1 (sort of) of no smoking for a week
(Note: Do not quit smoking when you are PMSing and on the verge of awful cramps, the effects of weed are amazing on such tortures)
-Loneliness
-Boys and friends
-Test
-Test tomorrow
-Nine hours of work tomorrow

So I talked to Mishu and he made me feel so so so much better.
But then I started to miss him.
And it all went downhill again.

Oh April 20th I need you now.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:30:56 GMT

hahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha

SILLY GIRL

Sparkles fade

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 03:28:43 GMT

At some points in my day I really miss talking to him all the time and the way he made me feel and the connection I thought we had.

But then he says something or I see something, anything really, that reminds me of how he disgusts me and I'm ashamed that I missed it for a minute.

This is probably one of those mind tricks you play on yourself; a coping mechanism.
It's certainly working. What a fake.

These are the things I would say to you if I didn't give a fuck if I lost you.

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 22:01:08 GMT

Last Friday I apologized for being your friend and making things difficult between you and you're significant other. You said "shut up I'm glad you're my friend."
Today you told me the COMPLETE FUCKING OPPOSITE.

STOP THINKING THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE.
STOP THINKING THAT YOU KNOW THE INTENTIONS OF EVERYTHING I SAY.
STOP THINKING I HAVE SOME 'ALTERNATIVE MOTIVE' FOR SAYING THINGS I SAY.

You said you feel like you have to walk around on eggshells for everyone.
DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THE FACT THAT YOUR ACTIONS AND LIES AND BEHAVIORS HAVE CAUSED THIS?

You have some pretty skewed views.
You tell me to stop sweeping issues under the rug, but when I tell you how I feel you tell me I'm overreacting or I'm 'jealous' or some other bullshit.
If you have such a problem with me why do you hang out with me ALL DAY EVERY DAY?
Why didn't you bring up these problems instead of letting me live under the false assumption that you are one of the best friends I've ever had and you know how to calm me down and get me to rethink everything that bothers me.

YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW IT ALL
YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING.

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:39:40 GMT

Yesterday in the mail I received a package containing a book and a letter from him.
The book is about becoming "Happier". He was going to let me borrow his copy but he saw it urgent that I read it, so he bought me my own.
I took it as a sign.

Yesterday in the bar I ran into him.
He drove 4 hours to surprise the boys and myself.
I took it as a sign.

Yesterday outside the bar he changed his mind about everything.
All the signs and impressions I'd been getting he reversed. Said they couldn't be.
Said if we had been dating this is where we would 'break up'.

Today I want to give him back the book.
Give him a sign.
But I don't know if I can make that bold of a statement.
Can I cut ties? Tell him sorry it's all or none, I can't do this middle shit.
Not talk to him at all anymore? He's been keeping me sane lately.

I don't like surprises anymore.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 05:09:15 GMT

hehehe
that was fun
i bet you wont remember it
but i will
:D

Things almost line up, but not quite.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:17:07 GMT

He is the first person who has ever made me feel bad about smoking.
He is the first person who has ever made me want to stop smoking.
Somehow he seems above me at all levels. Intellectual. Mental. Emotional.
That is why I am attracted to him.
But I don't deserve him.
And since I am not deserving of him he lives far far away, as if to torture me.

I need to separate myself before I become too wrapped up in it and instead of enjoying talking to him and being with him occasionally I will just be upset all the time since I can't be with him.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 01:22:56 GMT

There are four sparks in my fridge.
Our guy is almost 4 hours late delivering and I'm getting antsy.
I'm considering downing a sparks.
But I am alone.
I am watching celebrity rehab.
The thought of drinking alone is a scary one.
But I am bored.
If Brandon doesn't call me by 9 bearing good news I'm cracking one open.

Nothing you do will ruin what I have.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:12:52 GMT

This weekend was exactly what I needed.
A total of 11 or more hours in a car. Another 42 hours just laying around.
Time goes by too fast.
The only thing that could make this better is if M weren't so far away from me.

It made my day when B hugged me and told me he missed me. That it had felt like his right arm had gone missing for a couple of days.

Today it is sunny and my positive outlook just continues to grow.

There is a document on my desktop entitled "Read this when you hate your life."
I don't hate my life, not in the slightest, but I read it everyday because it reminds me of the love and connection that no one will come between. Not even some 'chicka', as he said.

I just want to be back in your arms, up all night because you're too scared to go to sleep, talking about nothing and everything at the same time, feeling perfectly content and happy and comfortable.

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 16:10:47 GMT

BACKSTABBER
HYPOCRITE

ALL THOSE THINGS YOU HATE YOU ARE.

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 05:33:05 GMT

Remember when we chatted online over winter break and I spilled my heart out to you about my best friend who I thought I was in love with and all the related issues.

I need to get out of here.